SYMONDS YAT, PAINSWICK BEACON, BIBURY - FEAR AND LOATHING IN AND AROUND THE COTSWOLDS

Where are we? What is this place? Is it Herefordshire or is it Gloucester? Is it Wales or England? Is it the West Country or the South Midlands? The Forest of Dean or the Cotswolds?

Let's just say, It is borderlands without the drama.

Or is it?

This is the land of cows and cheese and flatlands and trees, the jolly, slightly vanilla, green and pleasant land of Doctor Foster’s puddle and Dave Cameron’s shed, and multi-million pound houses nestling in private, tree-lined seclusion. Also the setting for Dennis Potters torturous, dark tales of incest and sexual guilt, the home of thousands of discarded, rural poor, the alma mater of Fred and Rosemary West. So yes, here there be monsters - quite apart from the retired Conservative politicians - here there is just a bit of an identity crisis.

Or perhaps, as it is everywhere, it just depends on how much money you have.

A sign advises professional dog walkers must have a commercial permit. Dog walking is a profession now!? A profession like, IDK, law and medicine? I mean I know photographer is a bimbo career on a par with cat tongue fur remover or gerbil fluffer but still, dog walking is a *profession* now that requires *paperwork*!?

Then again, people doubtless need something to take seriously, something to keep them busy, what with there being NO JOBS AT ALL here.

It is the land of open-hearted working class kids with no future and hearty well-heeled joggers in ludicrous spandex, the land of angry, lonely old people and dawdling ninnies and impatient boy racers, of new green wellies and old, old money, the land of stone-faced mums who think a man trying to photograph a 17th century church must be interested in their kids, because everyone exists on a diet of brutish tabloid media and endless neurotic tales of murderous perverse bogeymen and unwarranted solipsim and self-regard, and no one trusts anyone. Calm down dear, you want to scream, no one is interested in you or your kids. Didn't you hear? We are all obsessed only with ourselves now.

In short, beautiful as it is, it is a land of inequality, suspicion, mistrust, solipsim and insularity. In other words, it is Britain.